A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that
didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home
and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished
bathing he was to throw open all the windows and
stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
I Dream of Jeannie
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth!
This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time was called the Lutheran Church in America.
In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At one of the first sessions, the minister conducting the class said,
"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly.... "Sin?"
During a wind storm an elderly woman was holding on to her hat while her skirt was blowing up around her neck. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me Madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," Said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
To The Nines
One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."
"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.
"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
The horse came in ninth. 
You Know You're Living In 2010 When...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
I Work In A Zoo
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
I would like to go to Holland one day, wooden shoe?
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