Found For Friday

Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"
I have some very sad news out of Duluth , Minnesota this morning to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Iowa and parts of Canada . This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest Heritage and Souls.

I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for Terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “Who are you and what are you doing?”

OLE shouted back, “OLE…..BIN LOGGIN!”

OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN
Expands Six Times

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

Alaskan Tourism

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.

The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears.

Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

What do you call a mean Ancient Egyptian leader? Un-fair-oh.

I had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing.
Magic Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' house and male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house, however, and believed that she could keep them apart.

But as she was drifting off to sleep on the first night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate. Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in an extremely grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied
Ol' Fred had been a religious man and was now in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

You know an eye surgeon is cheap when he is always cutting corneas!

Graduate Students

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

"Do you want fries with that?"
I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Injured Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!