The Zen Master's Hot Dog
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet.
He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's mychange?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
We've lost too much to the Indian princess at that card game,' declared Capt. John Smith, 'but don't let poker haunt us.'
In most cases, 2 people sitting in an ambulance are just a paramedics!
Buffalo Beer Analogy
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank';s underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?';
The Italian replied: “Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
Headline of the day: An orthodontist was found dead, killed with a hatchet. However, no one was arrested as the death was declared axe-idental.
A hen is an egg spurt at what she does.
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services
and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was
in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking
woman she was. While they were taking up the collection,
the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and
I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant
in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of
cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman.
"I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in
his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local
Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh...mmmm, how would you like to stop at
this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast
u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel
and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the
most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman woke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the
bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded,
"Can I ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday
School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them,
"You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Captain Hook's Death
Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.
I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
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