Found For Friday

Before we get to the jokes I just want to remind my former         
                                   students of what we did on March 4 each year.  We would line up and then go to the other classroom and march around it and come back.  A visual pun we were Marching Fourth.  I think I embarrassed them but I had fun. 
Now to the Jokes.


A few years back, a scruffy, sandal-wearing, semi-bearded kid approached a tweed-jacket-clad gentleman in Harvard Square.  "Hey, man," he demanded, "Where's the Harvard Co-op at?"

"Son," replied the other gentleman, "You should never end a sentence with a preposition!"

"O.K.," said the kid.  "Where's the Harvard Co-op at, asshole?"

 I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I had a little too much of the demon drink, I did something that I've never done before. I took the bus home! I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before...

 An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 Prince William's stag party's going to be a bit weird. Imagine stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's knickers. 

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that 2:30 in the morning? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums

 We laugh -- but her I.D. is safe. 

 

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, 
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" 

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

 ADULT

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

 CHICKENS

The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 

COMMITTEEA body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a Democrat" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded "You must be a Republican". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**&ing fault."