Found For Friday (St. Patrick's Edition)

 WHY ST. PATRICK’S DAY IS CELEBRATED IN AMERICA

The real reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was scarce.

The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians)

Irish members of IRATRION passed a law that prohibited merchants from
selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, hoping the Norwegian’s
fish would spoil. They reasoned that this would force the Norwegians
to flee to a colder climate where there fish would keep.

Well, the fish spoiled all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone
knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the
desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in
the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to
poison the Norwegian invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians
thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it
so much they decided to call it “lutefisk”, which is Norwegian for
“luscious fish.”

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started
taking over the Irish potatoe crop and making something they called
“lefse.” Poor St. Patrick was at his wits end, and finally, on March
17th he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to “GO TO HELL.”

So, they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota, the only
other paradise on earth, where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of
cold weather can be found in abundance.

 Traveling on the train 

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. 

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. 

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." 

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again." 

 What's the big Irish university in California? Cel-Tech!

What kind of coffee is served in IRA torture chambers? Irish Scream.

 The Dubliner tried to quit drinking, but was Bailey able. 

 Looking for an Irishman at Tiffany's? Check the emerald aisle!

 Two men accidentally ran over a Dubliner. They got out of the car, looked at the damage and one man said to the other, "Looks like you've got a flat Ire!"

 There are few disputes in Ireland, because they are always a'green!

In Ireland do they have underclover cops?

 What do Jamaicans say on St. Patty's Day? "Kiss me, I'm Irie!"

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! ........But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

What's a British soldier's favourite snack? Lick-Irish.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.

When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Have a great Week-end!