The new CIA agents Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine, except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
Blonde goes flying
A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
The cat swallowed Tennyson whole, but was stricken with a severe case of indigestion, and she threw up. The bard found himself back in the jungle, shaken but alive.
When Laurie returned to the village, she told her master what had happened.
After a while, Tennyson showed up at the village looking terrible, and seeking help. He related his horrible experience to the chieftan, who responded saying, "Oh, you must be the poet Laurie ate!"
When the poor fellows got behind in their rent, and the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them.
She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested.
Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged.
The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!"
The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third desintegrated the rear mast.
Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.
"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"
One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.
"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
Apparently, the boa cons tricked her
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
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