Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't really think so."
Teaching the child
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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| Very creative Spelling! |
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my Honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay."
The Doctor told him: "Olof, I'll have to put your Willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four sided splint and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena.... still in DA CRATE!"
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol; dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke; dead.
Third worm in sperm; dead.
Fourth worm in soil; alive.
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.
There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked a superb vegetable dish. It had to be.
Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pie.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
-- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-- It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
-- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
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| I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. -- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. |
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