10 Cent Drinks.............
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis --shaken
not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment and then look at each
other. They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is
more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston ," the bartender said, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer,
it's all the same."
"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at
the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks
the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old Shriners, waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price."
Norwegian Love Story
Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,
she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”
Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn’t sure how thick the ice vas yet.”
Wealthy investors
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife gave me another healthy jab in the ribs and said, "Wow! That's more than twice! a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You REALLY COULD learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
A forester and lawyer
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flagpole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, and they couldn't tell from the ground if the top of the tape was even with the top of the pole.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the stand, lay it on the ground, and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~Oscar Wilde
My wife and I went to the Devon County Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife gave me another healthy jab in the ribs and said, "Wow! That's more than twice! a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You REALLY COULD learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before
Don't be on this flight
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the stand, lay it on the ground, and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!".
Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.
The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!
Have a Wonderful Week-end!
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