Found For Friday

A SPANISH  teacher was explaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike  English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or  feminine.

'House' for  instance, is feminine:  'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is  masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A  student asked, 'What gender is  'computer'?'    

Instead   of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,  male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether  computer' should be a  masculine or a feminine noun.  Each  group was asked to give four reasons for  its  recommendation.

The  men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the  feminine gender ('la computadora'),  because:

1. No one  but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2.  The native language they use to  communicate with other computers  is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the  smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible  later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment  to  one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on  accessories for  it.  

(Continued below)                  

The  women's group, however,  concluded that computers   should be masculine ('el computador'),   because:  

1.  In order to do anything with  them, you have to  turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but  still  can't think for  themselves;

3. They  are supposed to help you solve  problems,  but half  the time they ARE the problem; and

4.  As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if  you  had waited a little longer, you could have gotten  a  better  model.

The  women won.

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

 

ATTORNEY:    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:   My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:   No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:   July 18

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS:   Every year.

ATTORNEY:   How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:   How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:   I forget..

ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:   Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY:   She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:   None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:   By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:   Take a guess.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

___________________

___________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

____________________

_____________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________

________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:   No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:   No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:   No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:   No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law