The manicurist went back to college to become a veterinarian. She was great at giving a pet a cure.
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
' Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Jesus, it's 2010! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,' How da fock was I 'spose to pick 'em up !!!"
Why our country is in trouble?
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in
trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane?")
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),
who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .''
His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando
. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano-D) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to
know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and
got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
his luggage.
8. An aide for Senator John Kerry(D) (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from AL who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of
the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a 'Rhino' anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the State of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT
- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
his luggage.
8. An aide for Senator John Kerry(D) (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from AL who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of
the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a 'Rhino' anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the State of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
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