Found For Friday

THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan.  When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 

 Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.  She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.  I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?  You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a  Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

Well, I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!  I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

 A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. 

You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. 

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband  obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a  problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the  young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. 

"Well, the  first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer  willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we  managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a  can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. 

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor. 

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."

 Two Minnesotans are sittin' in a boat. 

So Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off der boats?"



To which Sven replies, "Well, yA know, if they fell forwards they'd
still be in 'da fuggin' boat!"




There ya have it then ...

 Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player. 

 Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" 

God says, "So you would love her." 

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" 

God replies, "So she would love you.

 THE DIFFERENCE  IF YOU MARRY A NORTHERN GIRL...

          Three friends married women from different parts of the US .

          The first man married a woman from Florida.  . He told her
that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took  a couple
of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean  house
and dishes washed and put away.

          The second man married a woman from Texas . He gave his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results,  but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner  on the table.

          The third man married a girl from Minnesota . He ordered
her to keep the house clean,  dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed,  and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he  didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the  third day, some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little  out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix  himself a sandwich and load the

dishwasher. He still has some difficulty  when he  pees.

 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 22. How Are a  Texas, Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

 Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful week-end.  Hugs. j