Found For Friday

 NORWEGIAN VIRGIN 

Olof Swenson, out in his  pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick  from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell  to 
the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took  himself to the doctor. He said: “How 
bad is it Doc? I'm going  on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena , is still a  Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof,  I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and  keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on  dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and  formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all  together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof  mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on  their honeymoon to Duluth ....

That night in the Motel  6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful,  untouched breasts. She said: “Olof...you' re the first vun! No  vun has EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his  pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena ......still in DA  CRATE!”

Teacher Arrested

 

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

 

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

 

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

 A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

When vegetables want to converse with petunias, they use a cell phone and cauliflower.

 The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.

Isn't the Grand Canyon just gorges!

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had apink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural andsociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery’, asked the couple? 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just

three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.