Found For Friday

 A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

 Old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. He saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!". "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked....Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 "A guy fell asleep on the beach and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his thighs. He went to the hospital and was admitted with second-degree burns. His skin was starting to blister and he was in severe pain so the doctor prescribed continuous saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him'The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

  A woman tells her priest, "Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi cutie. Wanna have some fun?" 

 "Don't worry," says the priest. "I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage--your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase." 

 The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, 'Hi cutie. Wanna have some fun?' 

 One male parrot says to the other, "Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have been answered" 

 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE

FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing

The same thing to them at funerals.  

 The Twenty and the One 

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.  The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean    ....." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church    .." 

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

(Note: When reading this, I just presumed that the one dollar bill was going to start mentioning strip clubs, but then my mind lives in the gutter some times.)

 Goat for Dinner 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. 

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

 A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo, who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression:  "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

 Thanks for stopping by.  Have a great week-end.  Hugs, j