Found For Friday

 Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthdays. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

 by MadPriest
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. She was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts and was drop dead gorgeous.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. To check her sister's wedding invitations, she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last, wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then I turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, the entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is always keep your condoms in your car.

 Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

 I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

 Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Thanks for stopping by,  Have a great week-end!