Found For Friday

 A man went to see his doctor with an unusual symptom. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.

The doctor replied, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

‘Is it common?’

“It’s not unusual.”

 A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,

“Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”

 Once, there as an aspiring actor. He could memorize his lines flawlessly, understood his characters, and was a perfect actor - in rehersal.

However, whenever he performed before a live audience, he would fumble his lines, stumble, trip, and in general make a fool of himself.

It’s sad, but there are just some people who just don’t act right in public.

 Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals—all kinds of animals—and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.

King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes - all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with King James and this over-crowded and stinky situation, and they decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned to their natural habitat.

It was the first time in history that..... the ‘reign was called on account of the game.’

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
“I am,” said the hawk, “because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey.”
“That’s nothing,” said the mountain lion, “I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.”
“I am the most powerful,” said the skunk, “because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you.”
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all… hawk, lion, and stinker.

 A brilliant scientist decided that he could accomplish twice as much if there were two of him ... and so, he decided to make a clone of himself. And so, he began working on the first cloning of a human being.

After months of research and trials, he proceeded to grow a clone of himself in a vat. As the clone grew, he became more and more anxious. One day, finally, the clone was ready! The clone emerged from his tank and, to the scientist’s surprise and horror, the clone began spewing forth a stream of obscenities!

As the clone dressed itself, it continued cursing non-stop—and the flow of obscenities didn’t stop. Day in and day out, the clone cussed, swore, and used every vulgarity imaginable. Eventually, the scientist snapped, and pushed the obscenity-spewing clone out of a window, causing it to plunge to its’ death.

Moments later, he was arrested by the police. On what charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

 A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

 A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.