Found For Friday

Lake Kickapoo, TX

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as 

dumb as some government employees.

   Two good ol' boys walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the boys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

So, he walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, that good ol' boy walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

 I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers!  Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!!!   

 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. ... The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

 Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

 As I was lying around, pondering the problems

of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's rear anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

 .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

 .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.   And you tell me to exercise??

I don't think so.

 Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

 

 

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

  

3. I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

  

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

  

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

  

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

  

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

  

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

  

10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

 11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

 

12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

  

13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14.  If I were supposed to be able to touch my toes, they’d be on my knees.

 

15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16.  It's not hard to meet expenses . . .   They're everywhere.

 

17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."

 

 

19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.