Found For Friday, A Punny Edition

 The fight between good and evil, an epic battle: Darth Vader and Luke. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers “I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

Luke exclaims “But how??!?”

“It’s true Luke, *breathe* I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”

Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming “How could you know this?!”

Vader replies, “I felt your presents.” 

 I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians promises but I'm having trouble with the fool injection system.

 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 Practice safe eating - always use condoments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

 A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD