Found For Friday

 by MadPriest
A lawyer dies, and somehow goes to heaven. As the attorney passes through the pearly gates, a crowd is waiting, cheering. The lawyer is amazed at the reception, and sees St. Peter in front of the crowd.

"A special day!" St. Peter proclaims, "It's not every day that we get the opportunity to welcome someone here who has lived for a hundred and forty-five years!"

"Uh, a hundred and forty-five?" the lawyer muses aloud. "But, I was only fifty nine years old when I passed away."

St. Peter looks concerned. "What's the meaning of this!" he exclaims. "Summon the Holy Accountant at once!"

Very soon an angel appears, peering through bifocals and frantically flipping the pages of a very large ledger book.

"I don't understand where I could have made a mistake," the Holy Accountant says, "I carefully added up his billable hours."

 VETERINARIAN'S EMERGENCY CALL

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes it is", replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady. "Will that stop them?"

"It should do," said the vet: "IT STOPPED ME!"

 The Shofar Clock 

A student kept bugging his friend, "What time is it?" Finally, his friend complained, "Why don't you get a watch like the rest of us." 

"Why do I need a watch? There is always someone around to ask." 

But what can you do in the middle of the night, when you are alone and need to know what time it is? 

"That's easy - I blow my shofar." (A Shofar is a Ram s horn, which is blown on Rosh Hashana and at the end of Yom Kippur and sounds like a wailing voice) 

"You what?" 

"I blow my shofar. Whenever I wake up and need to know what time it is, I open the window and blow my shofar very loudly.. And literally within a few seconds, I hear someone yell ' Are you crazy? It's 2:45 in the morning!" 

Yom Kippur Night 

It was Yom Kippur evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors - an old timer - sitting on a park bench. 

"Sam. Aren't you going to services?" 

"Not this year, Rabbi." 

"Why not Sam? Don't you think you should ask God for another year of good health?" 

"Rabbi. I'm ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they've forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do... is remind them!" 

 Carolyn, a rich blonde,Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. 

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, 
But at night, the car just won't move at all. 
After trying to drive the car at night for a 
Week (but without any luck), she furiously 
Calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a 
Technician to her. 

The technician examines the car and finds 
Nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde 
And asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the 
Right gears?" 

Full of anger, the blonde replies: 
"You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask 
Such a question? I'm not stupid you know! 
Of course I am using the right gears; 
I use D during the day and N at night."

 There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. 

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer? 

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul. 

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies. 

"Your hands? What do you mean?" 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" 

YOUR ROLE MODEL 

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. 
(DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET.) 
DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, 
THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. 

It's AMAZINGLY CRAZY how accurate this is!!! 
No peeking!!! 

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9 
2) Multiply by 3 
3) Add 3 
4) Multiply by 3, again 
5) You should now have a 2 or 3 digit number.... 
6) Add the digits together 

Now, scroll down. 







With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below: 
1. Albert Einstein 
2. Oprah Winfrey 
3. President Lincoln 
4. Thomas Edison 
5. Bill Gates 
6. Ghandi 
7. Brad Pitt 
8. Babe Ruth 
9. Jay Simser 
10. John F. Kennedy 
                                           

I know, I know.....I just have that effect on people. 
One day, maybe you too can be like me. 
Why are you laughing??? 
P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!! 

I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL... JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE : 

A New Jersey Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly. 

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be  interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' 

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s*^t?

Ugly person illness 

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" 

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Have a great week-end!