Found For Friday

 A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

 A priest was invited to attend a dignified house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his clerical collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "Sure: It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Sven and Ole were fishing one day when Sven  pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, you betcha, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied. Then reaching into  his tackle box, he pulls out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.  
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'
'Vell', replied Ole, 'I  got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya,  shure, it's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see  him?' asked Sven.
Ole opens his tackle box, and sure enough, out pops  the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere, I'm a good friend  of your Master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will', says  the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The  Genie disappears back into the tackle box, leaving Sven sitting there,  waiting for his million bucks. Shortly after, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of  the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a  million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole says,  'Ya, I forgot to tell ya dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a  10-inch Bic?

 Are You Really Sure? 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" 

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." 

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

 Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

 The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

 Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Condoleezza Rice's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

 Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.