Found for Friday

… even when things are at their darkest, we have inside of us all that it takes to turn the situation around, back to light, back to sight. (..and hopefully, we can also retain the depths of the other dimensions of perception that were required of us during our darkness)

Shreve writing on The Daily Coyote.

The above cartoon was contributed by Ryan R. He sends me these things. He is just another example of our failed educational system. If the system had not been destroyed by a vast Republican conspiracy he would know better. Oh well, I will let him keep his delusions. But just in case he did not see it he should read the post I put up the other day.. Go here Ryan.
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded. (but, boy, are these funny!)


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Kids Are Quick


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
___________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it I s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that We didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_____________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_______________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father Didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Forest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard &Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: 'Sniff the chocolates first

Urgent Warning

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH THIS SUNDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU LOT WILL BE SAFE.
I'M JUST POSTING THIS TO SAY GOODBYE.

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

(Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head,
I don't know what does!)

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed
the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
This picture is making the rounds. I have seen it on several blogs. I used to watch Dancing with the Stars but the blew it on the first season when they had another "Dance Off" after Kelly Monaco won fair and square. It was sort of like the Supreme Court stealing the election from Al Gore.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38! ' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven .)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two
38's!'

These Top 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here, please.'