Found For Friday

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far, and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head , he was approached by a little old lady, who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane '?

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry all this very far.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why, thank you very much!' he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously the said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady!' I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Gotta Laugh .... to keep from crying...

by kenju
(I did not write this!)

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.


The economy is so bad McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens' names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead give-away.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye
*********** ************At a Car Dealership:


"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


**************************


Outside a Muffler Shop:


"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


**************************


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:


"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


**************************


At the Electric Company


"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.


However, if you don't, you will be."


In a Restaurant window:


"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."


**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:


"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************


At a Propane Filling Station:


"Thank heaven for little grills."


And don't forget the sign at a


CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:


"Best place in town to take a leak."


**********************


Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?