Bailey's Buddy: Found For Friday

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray . He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He would get a couple of "ladies of the evening", shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process for all of them. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was more difficult than he had thought it would be. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but when the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and, when the air cleared... the prostitutes were exactly the same size! "What's the big idea?" shrieked on of the women. Then, "Eek!" as she saw Walter scurrying across the floor. Rushing over, she squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead. The experiment was ruined. And all because the lab assistant forgot... "You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink."

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in  his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk  reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

 Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks  forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of  the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

 In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front.  Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

 A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front. "Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

 The drunk, still reeling, shouts back, "Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.   It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"   The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her*  daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.   The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.  The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"   "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

Kinda brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Email Password
A company is doing a security audit of a computer network. During the audit, they discover that that one employee, with the username "blonde," has a password that is "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy."

The security analyst approaches the user.

"Excuse me," he says. "Is your username 'blonde'?"

"Yes, it is," she says.

"Do you mind if I ask you why you have such a ridiculously long password? Is it for security reasons?"

"No," the blond says. "That's not why."

"Well, why is it so long?"

"Because when we had to select a password, we were told that it had to be at least eight characters.

Mad Wife Disease        A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.     'What was that for?' he asked.       'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.     Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lo was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '     Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'         She replied... 'Your horse called.'

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.   He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.   He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         like this:   ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''  ''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."  Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''   There was dead silence on the line for a long moment..........  Then Father O'Malley then replied,.. ''Aye, "Tis certainly true.....But we  are also obliged to notify the next of Kin.''

Priceless Observations Department:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge