Found For Friday

A priest said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar rail."

With that, Albert got in line, and when it was his turn, the priest asked, "Albert, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Albert replied, "Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The priest put one finger of one hand in Albert's ear, placed his other hand on top of Albert's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Albert, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the priest removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Albert, how is your hearing now?"

Albert answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.".

Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on 'sour cream'?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
If you try to fail...
...and succeed...
...which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 'S' in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws - Part Two...

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued...
...can they 'garnish' his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell...
...is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime...
...do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists...
...they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an 'algebra'?

Do infants enjoy infancy...
...as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns...
...do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto...
...would you still be hungry?

A Cubicle Conundrum: The Downside of Working in a Cube

* Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

* That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

* If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

Subject: Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement' .

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Have a Great Week-end! Hugs