Friday, May 7, 2010

Found For Friday

Remember, chopped cabbage is not only a good idea, it's the slaw!
Subject: Another fishing story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For all y'all Northerners and City Folk, a "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin -- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America, and generally the meanest, being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.)

Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

Fantasy Island

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakeed frm the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, ' No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God'.

The patient replied, Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Doctor's Office and a SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


h/t Colby for these
"This joke requires some body actions with it.

Why do Minnesotans have square shoulders and flat foreheads?

Because when you ask them a question they say "I don't know" (shrug your shoulders real high), and when you tell them the answer they say "duh!" (and you slap yourself on the forehead)

Why does the corn in Iowa lean to the north?

Because Missouri blows and Minnesota sucks! (this also works for Nebraska and Illinois - depending on who you're telling it to).

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge

7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.

8. A will is a dead give-away.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it..

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

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