Found For Friday

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major j ust stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' '

'1955,' he replied.

'Well, there you are. No w onder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where
she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time)
A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'
Oh, The Cat Came Back...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that jerk on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.

"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.

The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.

He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."

The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.

"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.

The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there

Computer Repair

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

A local farmer walked into the towns coffee shop with a wide smile on his face, and, naturally, some of the other farmers wanted to know why he was so elated.

He told them his story about buying a new bull and being severely disappointed when the bull he paid good money for had failed to perform.

The farmers wanted to know how that could possibly make him feel good.

"Well" the first farmer continued "I waited about two weeks to see some results and when he still wasn't up for the job I went to see the vet.

The vet told me that sometimes happens when a bull is first introduced to a new field and that he had a solution to my problem.

He gave me some pills and the instructions on how to achieve the correct dosage. I went home and immediately mixed the proper dose and fed it to the bull.

Well, the next day I watched him spend nearly the entire day servicing all my cows, but that wasn't enough. He jumped the fence and serviced all my neighbors cows as well."

One of the other farmers asked what kind of pill the vet had provided and I told him that I didn't know, but that it tasted a little like peppermint."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Is anybody tired of the Friday jokes? Should I continue posting them? Just askin.. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week-end.