Found For Friday

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO CRAP WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."

 The Facelift 

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

 How To Handle A Husband  

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the
third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you
shoot the poor animal like that... Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said,

"That's once." 

"And from that moment.....We have lived happily every after."

 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot

 A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went red with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out

"... and I can't remember who she was!"

 A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me . . . talking to the beer."

 Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). 

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD:    At The Doctor's
BFF:    Best Friend Farted
BTW:   Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:  Covered By Medicare
CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Center
DWI:    Driving While Incontinent
FWB:   Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI:      Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:    Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:   Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:     Living On Lipitor
LWO:    Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My - Sorry, Gas.

ROTFL:  CGGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL:    Talk To You Louder
WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:     Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WMDP:  Where's My Darn Phone?

GLKI:  Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In