Found For Friday

 GOD CREATED IOWA

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Iowa, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rolling hills and Prairies, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and the plains."

Then God Said, "This is Iowa, the center of America.  The people of Iowa are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, 

"I will create Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there." 

 Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Also, I currently have four other companies after me.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.

 High military ranks

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie

 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, showed them into his surgery, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' the woman replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

 Philosophy Exam
(True story)

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

 See  the wisdom that comes with age or is just with boredom?

 I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't     know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once---or twice

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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is  gone.

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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.