"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
The nuns' first hot dogs
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "...What part did you get?
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
**Brief Pause.**
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'**
**No, I think you have the wrong number........**
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
By the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear."
"And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
"Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her
grandmother,
Was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or
the King James Virgin ?"
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known knights of the round table, but he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificient armoir which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was all polished up, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen.
The medieval hero was not ready to settle down yet, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoir to hide.
Gracie entered Wilber's quarters and looked around. She didn't see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoir and flung the door open. there stood Wilber: he was trapped!
The next day, the castle newsletter's headline proclaimed: "Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoir!"
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.
Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had anidea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
The carnival was in town at Nottingham, so Robin Hood told the boys they could go in and have some fun.
There were lots of games and at one booth, you could win a prize by hitting a ten cent silver coin with a lance thrown from twenty paces.
As Friar Tuck was passing the booth, the guy running the game called out to him: "Hey,Brother, can you spear a dime?"
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.
And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
Have a great week-end!
1 comment:
And I'll b et that the cat in the pool ain't about to eat any f-----g oatmeal, either.
Post a Comment