Found For Friday

A bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her
little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany s.


He politely greets the lady with, Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little incident, she asks, Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?

He answers, Madam... if you farted just looking at it - you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.

 Navy Intelligence

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself

 Dem' smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

 MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

 Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

 Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

 Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

An abbey was in financial difficulties, and to increase its income the brothers decide to open a fish and chips business.

One day the abbey door bell rang and one of the brothers went to welcome a customer.

When he opened the door the customer said, "Are you the fish fryer?"

The brother said, "No, I'm the chip monk."

 Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

Have a Happy Weekend!