Found for Friday

Thanks to all who contributed to this week's compilation.
 The blonde Thanksgiving dinner

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

 Getting a Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

 Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

 May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

 My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

 A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' 

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens,the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. 

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me, it's this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?'' 

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf, he's BLIND!''

 Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say 

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude, I like that. 

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car, GO CRAZY. 

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 

 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend, you might want to consider throwing a party. 

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies, you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 

1. Father's Day? aahh, don't worry about that it's no big deal.

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. 

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" 

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. 

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. 

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."