Found for Friday

First of all this really nice picture of the Koala and his rescuer reunited. Now to the fun.

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

While she was still in mid-rant she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.


I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other!!!

Top 10 Complaints from Dogs

'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

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'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

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'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

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'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

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'7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

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'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

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'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

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'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

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Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Household Tips
Leak stain on ceiling:
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).

Ant invasion:
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use the mixture to clean up the mess.

Crayon marks on wall:
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.

Doggie-doo on lawn:
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.

Crabgrass:
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.

Cigarette burn on rug:
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.

Dirty paint brushes:
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable.

Annoying drips:
Don't invite them over anymore.

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church ,and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW,

BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out' ?"