UCLA STUDY -A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
The Sensitive ManA woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them_and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him._
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it!"
Top 10 Complaints from Dogs'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
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'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
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'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
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'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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'7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
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'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
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'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
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Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
Retirement as a Wal-Mart GreeterUnfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive.
So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work........ soooo maybe I'll go fishing.
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill.... Barefoot... BOTH ways !
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. And it may not have been a cassette, either. It may have been one of those eight-track deals. Cause that's how we rolled dog.
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
FRIENDS VS IOWA FRIENDSFRIENDS: Never ask for food. IOWA FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'. IOWA FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. IOWA FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. IOWA FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. IOWA FRIENDS:
Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. IOWA FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
IOWA FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. IOWA FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!' FRIENDS: will visit you in jail IOWA FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you ??? FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
IOWA FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home
FRIENDS: have you on speed dial IOWA FRIENDS: have your number memorized
FRIENDS: Are for a while. IOWA FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Might ignore this. IOWA FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their Iowa Friends
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'. He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires."
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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