Found for Friday

Two Ladies talking in Heaven.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive..

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, _the Irishman started to leave, _"S'cuse me", said a customer, _who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, _"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, _"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered _around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York _and gets stopped for speeding. _The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath _and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer _and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, _and one of them said, _"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, _and the other Irishman said, _"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews _are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, _and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... _one of the girls must be quite ill."

Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape _from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. _Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, _and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze _in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. _The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air _and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. _Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. _This time he managed to pull himself upright, _but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep _as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning _to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, _and intent on bluffing it out he said, _"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; _you left your wheelchair there again."

Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, 47, struck by lightning. "
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."