Found for Friday

Parting Shots

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

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In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ..
Until I know which way you went.

"The Importance of Walking"

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life._
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there?

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate._

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill. _************************************************************************************************************************** We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. _**************************************************************************************************************************AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave. I look just fine.

A list of the symptoms for swine flu... :

In order that you may be on the alert for indications that
you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.


1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Two good ol' boys in a West Virginia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Coal Mine. After a while the first guy says to the other, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well , I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Subject: A Satisfied Taxpayer

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.00) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029.00) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00 Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D.pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

To recap my enclosures:

*Four toilet seats
*Six hammers
*One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer