Found for Friday

Touching Penguin Ritual

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"freeze a jolly good fellow."

Moshe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. So he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor, "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Moshe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. However, he couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, Moshe’s head was clear for the first time for ages. As he was walking down Golders Green High Street, he realized that he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked past a clothes shop, Moshe thought, "That's what I need - a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long." Moshe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Moshe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Moshe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure"

The salesman eyed Moshe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16_ neck" Moshe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Moshe tried on the shirt. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Moshe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Moshe’s feet and said, "Let's see, 9_E fitting." Moshe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Moshe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. Moshe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Moshe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Moshe’s head and said, "Let's see, 7 5/8." Moshe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

The hat fitted perfectly. Moshe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Moshe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Moshe’s waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Moshe laughed, "No, you're wrong this time. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him ..

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Women always have different interests...........

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway..
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office were full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with a really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and offerred, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you."

Shocked, the girl looked at him, and said, "NO!"
Dougie replied, "I'll be really fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend laughed and said, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really fast. He won't even have time to get his pants down. Call me back afterwards and tell me how it went."

She thought that made sense and accepted the proposal. More than half an hour goes by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes he called and asked, "Well, what happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.



At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to tell you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! I spent a fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle!!??"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!!??"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

LONG SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!"


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clarkhave reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'