Found For Friday

Car Troubles

An blond was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was a blond, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.

She drove home and when her blond roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.

"What on earth are you doing" she asked.

Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"

"Duhhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint
the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while
Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another
matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she
realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the
commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally,
In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency
Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before. "

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never

saw one MOUNTED and FRAMED before.

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this .......

'You got Male!

On the farm a cow's derriere contributes to the dairy air.

If a seamstress is inducted into the Pin Pushers Hall of Fame, does that make her a status thimble?

A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver

Aging Gracefully

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

***


I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my Arizona driver's license!

***

A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're d*mned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" The rabbi exclaimed, "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

And says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .

And the driver replies 'Bout wut?

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't
need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,
notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Have a great week-end - Thanks for stopping by.