If I Only Had A Brain
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"
Simultaneous management of elephants and walruses requires the ability to multitusk.
What is the meaning of courage?
Is it to fight a Bull in a bullfight without any weapon?
Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Bullshit... Those are nothing!
THIS, my friend, is COURAGE!!
Last picture I have of my dog "Lucky!"
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Wet on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE
WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.
The wait for a Train
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined.
The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus.
Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it. So he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help.
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined.
The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus.
Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it. So he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help.
Butch replied, "Thanks, but I'm just waiting for the tutu train."
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party,
The host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool
And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' Answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Interview With A Blonde
The local sheriff in a small suburban town was looking for a deputy. He posted ads in the paper, and sure enough, Lisa, a wonderful looking blonde, went in to try out for the job. She wasn't the sharpest nail in the bucket, but seeing as she had a natural charisma about her, the sheriff gave her an interview...
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Lisa, what is 1 and 1?"
"11!" she enthusiastically replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right in a way..."
"Okay, Lisa. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Shucks, that's easy," the blonde replied. "Today and tomorrow!"
The sheriff was again surprised that Lisa supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
He thought of his next question carefully to make sure there could be no equivocation about the answer:
"Now Lisa, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Lisa looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while," the sheriff replied with satisfaction.
So, Lisa wandered over to the salon where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"How'd it go?" they all asked.
Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable? Of corset can.
Two Swedes from Minnesota,Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat'sdem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage updere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake ..
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dislooks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliffcarrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis" Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bagand throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom andbreaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
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