An inspiration to all of us
As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make
a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are
boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who
have found the courage to take on challenges that would make
many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person (continued below picture):
QUOTE FROM HAROLD:"I've often been asked, What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it
every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.
He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting along time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"Forty-Five? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned.
"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."
What's yellow and doesn't ring a lot?
An unlisted banana.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?''There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's tool hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
How To Handle a Traffic Stop
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot the owner of this car and stuffed his body in the
trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!
Driver: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain slowly approached the driver...
Captain: Sir, can I see you license? Driver: Sure, here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened: no body.
Captain: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you that I was speeding, too.
Yesterday I was at my local Coles buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
Isn't it fun to be retired. :-
Due to the economy, many hospitals are having to cut coroners
Please Hang Up and Try Again...
A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers.
The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
"I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.''
The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?''
The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots!
The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause follows.
Another long pause.
Finally the man asks:
''Is this 567-5309?''
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
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hohohoho
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