A Haredic Jewish couple, preparing for their wedding, meet their local rabbi for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions about their wedding day.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in our faith for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immoral, disgusting and leads to depravity. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi, "It's forbidden."
"Well," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing," replies the rabbi.
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. "Computer" is "el computador" in Spanish. But this is mainly because whenever a computer operator makes a mistake it's always the computer's fault. (MadPriest).
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
The first old mason says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old mason says, "That's ok. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I am getting a little desperate."
The first mason says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old mason says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first mason responds, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!!!"
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, you ain't gonna believe where he is going to put that six shooter, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move
apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't
know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until
it reached the last number on the top and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
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