A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
(This one is for Matt Read)
Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler , I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits alot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France
. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
I think a retired English teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
-- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
Have a great week-end!
No comments:
Post a Comment