Found for Friday

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

*** DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say, “10:00 PM;” others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as “ya sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”


*** WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantie hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Children Writing About The Ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

Click to embiggen and read.

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

WAITER!" shouted the customer, "This coffee tastes like MUD!!!"
"Well," said the waiter, "it was ground this morning."


Subject: Good Clean Jokes


Secret Service?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and
the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Click to embiggen and read.

The Good News
Here is the story of a minister who got up on Sunday and
announced to his congregation"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our
new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in
your pockets."
______________________________________________________________________
The Amish Way
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously
had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the
carriage was a hand printed sign:
"ENERGY EFFICIENT VEHICLE. RUNS ON OATS AND GRASS. CAUTION: DO
NOT STEP IN EXHAUST.!!!!

At The Last Minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday week- end.The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend,said the young man,"sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip";
The minister chuckled, " I know what you mean. "It's the same
in my business."
____________________________________________________________________________
Something To Think About

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying
to enforce the 10 commandments.

"Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in
the world---- There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning
and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,
" What do you mean, you know what the Bible means? The son replied,
"I do know!" "Okay."said his father. "So, Son, what does the
Bible mean? B-BASIC I-INSTRUCTIONS B-BEFORE L-LEAVING E-EARTH

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. " Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk."Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.