Found for Friday

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
'Not with a carnation.'



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

_As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.





After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


_The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

_"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

_"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

_The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

_He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever...

_As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

_A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

_The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room...

_The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

_The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

_The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


The guys were all at a ski lodge.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn.. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

Two bowling teams, one of all redheads and one of all blondes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlanta. The redhead team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The redhead team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the redhead reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The redhead asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'


You are
driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as
if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once
saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you
have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a
ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could
pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should
save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


................... The candidate who was
hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able
to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER....

The correct answer actually is to run the
old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect
partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for
a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings

Jake Kaplan was a gambler. He bet on everything: the ponies, numbers, sports, anything he could get odds on. After a string of bad luck he was in hock to every bookie, relative and friend in town.
The only way out of his problem was to fake his own death.
Laid out in his casket, his friends, family and other acquaintances passed by to pay their respects. Last in line was Lefty Horwitz, the biggest, meanest bookie who was owed a very large sum by Jake.__As Lefty reaches the casket, he leans over, pulls out a knife, and says to the deceased, “No one gets away this clean. I am going to take this knife and give you what you had coming to you.”
Suddenly Jake opens his eyes, and putting his finger to his lips, he says, “Shush, you I’ll pay

Pants and Panties _ Mike was going to be married to Karen_so his Father sat him down for a little chat.__He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
!

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight..

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


Subject: CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint
Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident." I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!"

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE ... LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "They won't let me fart."