Found For Friday

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new healthcare package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington


Priest Retirement

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's
wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.


MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Vet school-

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention.

Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid

Red Neck Barbecue Grill. With warming shelf. Free at HyVee

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put in to motion:

Routine . . .
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three-yard exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine . . .
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine . . .
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off," and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

This is dedicated to all of you who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, s**t, so that's why no one was at church today."

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends, Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine. I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold "Lord have mercy," the old
preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, _'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -The last one is great!_Have you ever spoken and wished that you could_Immediately take the words back...Or that you could crawl into a hole?_Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

And asked loudly,_'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... He knew better

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,_My sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, And he said 'No' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'_'No,' he replied._I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse._Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeksa nd yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.




Found this- It is a modern Wedding March.

Enjoy your week-end.