Found for Friday

OK, I am starting out with two pictures of Trevor which he put in an album on Facebook. Trevor is in China and he went up the mountain with some friends. They are awesome pictures and I wanted to share them.


Now on to the Fun stuff.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume
you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."

—Groucho Marx

Actual Australian Tourism Questions

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
<> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


CHOCOLATE SINGS

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "
Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.
But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine..
I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.
The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth,
"I'm tasting all that's possible.
I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.
I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
I've not laughed at all the jokes.
I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.
I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.
I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,
then should I die before night fall,
I'd say I died a winner,
because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.
I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"


Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks,
“CHOCOLATE SINGS”

Have you hugged a friend today?
Affection promotes good health and a sense of well being.

Leave room in your garden for fairies to dance.

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter topand no bra.

What does your wife look like?'


The old timer says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that

And some new Childern's (sic) books

Subject: Pedro Martinez

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

'Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' ' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

'Patrick Henry, 1775.'

'Very good!' apprised the teacher. 'Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'

Again, no response except from Pedro: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863.'

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Mexicans!'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. 'Jim Bowie, 1836.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared and asked, 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Pedro answered, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!'

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.'

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!'

Pedro whispered, 'Saddam Hussein, 2003.'

Finally someone threw a eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted, 'Duck'!

Teacher, coming to, asked. 'Who said that?'

Pedro: 'Dick Cheney, 2006.'

Have a great week-end!