This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.When she went before the judge he asked her,
'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Guess who is due in two months???
I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else. This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out... Please don't think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is due in 2 months???????????? Scroll down....
Santa Claus
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap"
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Everytime her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Woman and a ForkThere was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him the songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was going to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the Pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!
"So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork...the best is yet to come."
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."
Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. And keep your fork!
This is from my friend Anne. Sometimes we find things for Friday that aren't funny. Remember to click on The Breast Cancer Site every day.
Subject: Questions without answers*If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?*
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*Can you cry under water? *
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*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? *
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*Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? *
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*Why does a round pizza come in a square box? *
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What disease did cured ham actually have? *
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*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? *
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*Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? *
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*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? *
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*Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?** *
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*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? *
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*Why do doctors leave the room while you change? *
*They're going to see you naked anyway.. *
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*Why is 'bra'singular and 'panties' plural? *
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*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat? *
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*If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? *
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*Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? *
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*If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? *
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*Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? *
*They're both dogs! *
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*If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? *
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*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? *
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*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? *
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*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? *
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*Why did you just try singing the two songs above? *
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*Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? *
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*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
SENIOR DATING
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car....A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
Why it's important to understand English.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
I stood in the short line. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
Erotic lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
It was a hectic day yesterday. No time for Blogging and I work at the Consistory tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by. ARTYAL, Hugs
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