All Too True - (too often)

Contributed
The Lodge Meeting Agenda

Setting- A small lodge room. Chairs for the Master, Senior Warden, Junior Warden, Senior Deacon, Junior Deacon, Secretary, and One Past Master on the Sidelines. An altar is in the center. The officers are in their places and the Junior Warden is asleep.

Prelude:

Narrator- Gentlemen, it has come to the attention of the Grand Lodge Officers that many lodges are now conducting meetings which are interesting and exciting and are well attended by the brethren. As you know, this is contrary to Masonic Tradition. We have always prided ourselves on being able to hold meetings which are dull and repetitive, last too long, and have nothing of interest to the brethren. We have, therefore, created a lodge agenda that is more in keeping with the traditions of Minnesota lodges. And we encourage all lodges to return to the "good old days" when we did things the "good old way". Otherwise our lodges could become crowded and then how will the Junior Warden know how many cookies to buy.

Master: Brother Senior Warden- proceed to satisfy yourself that all present are sufficiently sedated for a lodge meeting.

Senior Warden: (after observing the lodge members) All are sufficiently sedated Worshipful Master.

Master: Brother Senior Warden, are you bored?

Senior Warden: Not at this time Worshipful Master- but I hope soon to be.

Master: Where were you first taught to be bored?

Senior Warden: In a just and lawfully constituted lodge of Masons.

Master: How did they bore you Brother Senior Warden?

Senior Warden: With long tedious meetings Worshipful Master.

Master: How many usually compose a boring meeting, Brother Senior Warden?

Senior Warden: Usually not very many.

Master: When composed of not very many, who are they?

Senior Warden: The Master, Senior Warden, and Junior Warden.

Master: What is the Junior Warden's place in the lodge?

Senior Warden: In the South Worshipful Master.

Master: ** Why are you in the South Brother Junior Warden? what are your duties there?

Junior Warden :( No response--still asleep)

Master: (loudly) Hey, Fred!

Junior Warden: (arouses abruptly) Yes.. huh.. what is it?

Master: Why are you in the south and what are your duties?

Junior Warden: As the sun in the south at its meridian height is the glory and beauty of the day, so am I in the south to awaken sleeping brethren and to make sure the meeting does not end too soon or become too interesting.

Master: What is the Senior Warden's station in the lodge?

Junior Warden: In the West Worshipful Master

Master: Brother Senior Warden, why are you in the west and what are your duties there.

Senior Warden: As the sun is in the west at the close of the day, so am I in the west to make sure the brethren do not leave before the meeting is over, to guard against the entrance of anyone with a new idea, and to assist the Master in prolonging the meeting.

Master: What is the Masters station in the lodge?

Senior Warden: In the east Worshipful Master.

Master: Why is he in the east, Brother Senior Warden, what are his duties there.?

Senior Warden: To call the craft to laborious meetings, to introduce dull topics of discussion, to enlist the aid of dullards and obfuscates, to provide a worn out agenda and see that all are sorry that they came.

Master: *** Brother Senior Warden, it is my will and pleasure that Geezer Lodge # 100 be now opened so that I can perform my duties. Advise the brethren and the tyler.

Senior Warden: Brethren, the lodge is open. Brother Tyler, please try to stay awake.

Junior Deacon: What about the pancake breakfast?

Master: Not now Brother Junior Deacon. Brethren- I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that our program for tonight had to be cancelled. We were supposed to have a presentation by the Grand Procrastinator, but he called and requested that we postpone that indefinitely. Consequently, immediately after lodge closing, the secretary will read the minutes from the meetings from the last three years.

Master: Brother Secretary, are there any bills?

Secretary: Yes Worshipful Master

· $ 3.98- Oreo Cookies
· $ 6.99- Instant Coffee
· $ 3.84- Postage to send newsletter to all 12 brethren
· $12.66- Electric Bill
· $ 8.37- Water Bill
· $19.51- Gas Bill
· $ 58.00- Toilet Paper for Ladies Room
· $ 10.00- Purchase Used Manual Typewriter for Secretary
· $ 8.00- Rusteoleum Spray paint and Saran Wrap for repairs to the sign.
· Total Bills- $73.35

Master: Is there anything else Brother Secretary?

Secretary: Yes Worshipful Master, this month's Excellency in Invoicing Award goes to the gas company for their conversion to window envelops.

Junior Deacon: What about the Pancake Breakfast?

Master: Not now, we are paying bills.

Junior Deacon: But we just paid them last month!

Master: Somebody will move, second, and vote for paying the bills so go ahead and pay them.

Master: I am also pleased to announce that the Grand Chairman of the Redundancy Committee Grand Chairman will be here next month to read the same speech he gave last month. Please mark your calendars. It should be even more boring than usual.

Junior Deacon: What about the Pancake breakfast??

Master: Not now George! Brother Secretary is there any correspondence?

Secretary: Yes Worshipful. I have letters from Jobs Daughters, DeMolay, the city building inspector, four neighboring lodges, the health department and it looks kinda important, the Eastern Star, your ex wife's lawyer, our district rep who could not be here because this is his bowling night, and sixteen official notices from the Grand Lodge, all of which will be read in their entirety.

Master: Brother Secretary we already have enough routine, boring stuff for tonight. Let's save the correspondence in case we need some boring stuff next month.

Junior Deacon: What about the Pancake Breakfast???

Master: Not now George! Please sit down.

Master: Brother Secretary, are there any petitions?

Secretary: Are you kidding- who would want to join this lodge?

Past Master (Sideliner): Worshipful Master, I feel compelled to object. These meetings have become far too brief. Why, I remember the night I got my 150 year pin good old Worshipful Lars Larson was able to drag it out until well past midnight. Sven Olson even got dehydrated and passed out. Most of these brethren don't even have to go to the bathroom yet and here you are nearly done with the meeting. The other past masters are all so upset they don't even come any more. And we ought to form another committee for something.

Master: Thank you Worshipful Brother for your input. Your ideas are as sharp as ever.

Past Master: And I had another idea too but I forget what it was. But it was a good one and you should act on it right away.

Master: And we will too... at the next meeting.

Junior Deacon: What about the Pancake Breakfast?

Master: George, we just had one two weeks ago. The next one is next year.

Senior Warden: Next month I think we should have the meeting at the home.

Junior Warden: Might as well get used to it. By next year we will all be living there anyway.

Master: Don't forget, there are still Oreo's left over from last month and a half a gallon of milk. So let's adjourn and go downstairs to listen to the minutes from the last three years.

Narrator: My Brethren, with just a little bit of effort, your meeting can be as boring as this one. Rest assured, you will not be bothered with any excess attendance, there will be no controversy, you will not be bothered with petitions or degree work cause you will have no new members, and as the old timers die off you can gradually move your meeting into the "home" and close the doors to your lodge forever. The alternative is to consider a new agenda. You might find yourself attending interesting meetings. You might have some petitions and some degree work. You might even start getting some of the old timers to start coming back to lodge meetings. Who knows, the membership might even start to increase again. And I am quite sure that most of you can find an alternative time for your weekly nap- cause there will be no more sleeping in lodge. Good Luck. Give it a try. The only thing that will be in jeopardy
is the rapidly approaching demise of your lodge.

Addendum:  Evidently this came from Ed Halpus of Minnesota. don't know if he wrote it himself or found it somewhere.  In any case it is good.  Thanks to my contributor (Auntie E. Nonomous)