Sunday April 27, 2008

Miss Cassie has taken to sitting on the water dispenser in the kitchen. Bailey (as usual) is more interested in eating than anything else. Cassie is a climber. She likes to be "up" on top of things and because of her climbing propensity she is barred from my bed-room. I really do love her. Jon was over and he picked her up and pretty soon she was growling. I told him to put himself in her place. Some big guy picks you up and holds on to you so all you can move is your head and eyes you are you can move you would growl also. She comes up to me when I am computing or sitting and watching TV and will purr and be absolutely the sweetest cat ever. She tolerated the dogs all the time and is just plain sweet.
The hyacinths were up at McFarland Clinic when I dropped off the specimen and had my blood drawn. A couple of people have asked about the "tests" and when I will get the results. I don't see Dr. Alexander until May 12 so I won't know anything until then. I have hopes that the results will be satisfactory.

I have been thinking about the last couple of days. I get a deep sadness when I let a certain person creep into my thoughts. (And it happens all the time) I suppose because I wanted so much to be friends with this person. I really liked him and his family but it seems that he does not like me. It is probably my fault. (I always put the blame on me - I never think that I am worth much. and situations such as this just ratify that assumption.) I don't know if he will ever read this but if he does he won't do anything about it. I have probably ruined any chance for a friendship with him and I need to cut my losses and get on with life. I do appreciate people who tell me that I should just ignore it and not worry about it but I am not built that way. My mother just "wanted everybody to get along with each other." I just want everyone to like me and I know that is not going to happen. In fact I always suspect that I am not liked.

There are a lot of people that I really do love and a lot of them are Masons. I hate like hell that I am not going to be around a lot of them but that also is the way I am built. I give other people too much power over me. If I work it out - I will work it out. If not, I am the only one affected. There was a woman with whom I taught and she talked about me behind my back and bad-mouthed me to parents, students and administrators and other teachers. Because of her I did not have a retirement party. I would not have believed any of the things they were saying about me. Another co-worker whom I really loved working with told me that I was the "most creative teacher in Ames." I didn't really believe her but I loved that she said it and I treasure that remark. (I actually think she was the greatest teacher I ever worked with.)

I have never had a high self esteem (unlike some people) and that is also part of the way I am built. I am not worth much. Sorry folks, that is the way I feel inside. This person had made me feel like I was valued and I felt important for awhile. I actually believed that I was a person who could be liked for a change. But, I evidently drove him away and turned him into a person who doesn't want to be my friend or to have me around. When he sees me he avoids me. (Sort of like spot Jay and turn away and go somewhere else.) My fault not his. Most of you won't understand this and that is all right. Some of you will understand why I am this way. None of you can really do anything about it. I think that the only way I can deal with it is to stay out of situations where I get hurt. So I blog about it and that helps me deal with it. Just know that I do not dislike this person at all. I would wish that I had never thought I could be close to him or his family nor invested so much in wanting them as friends. But it is my problem and not theirs. I wish them well. I just will stop trying to impose myself on them or "intrude" on them and stay away. I guess I should finally learn that I am not wanted and just give up no matter how much I want it to be different.  I thought I had done something really nice for him and it was thrown in my face. That is when the hurt really started.  Oh well.  As for the rest of you. Thanks for being you and for reading this. ARTYAL. Hug someone - j