Jay's Pity Party - Don't read if you don't want to.

12/18/07 Actually writing this all down seems to have gotten it out of my system.  Still upset about some things but generally I feel good and if somebody doesn't like me - Well piss on them.  I am taking care of some things that need changing and moving on.  I know that some people appreciate me.

This is kind of what I feel like today. My Christmas spirit seems to have fled.

When I woke up this morning I was thinking about a person who I thought was a friend and then, by actions and an inaction and a broken promise, proved that I wasn't really wanted as a friend. I wish I could get it out of my head. I tell myself that I have moved on but when a friendship dies it hurts. I have no expectations and have moved on in my head but evidently not in my heart.

On top of that I am no longer looking forward to being with the family for Christmas. I had purchased gifts for them and the other day my aunt called me and told me that they had changed things this year (hell last year everybody went out of town and we didn't even have Christmas) and I was not to exchange gifts but just to bring one gift valued at $20 and they were planning on playing some kind of game where everybody would put the gifts in a pile and when your name was drawn you could then take one gift and the next person could either take your gift or a different one. I really think it sounds stupid and I am stuck with about $300 worth of gifts already purchased. I don't think I will even go to the party. I (right now) plan on staying home with the dogs and Cassie. I am sure I can find other people to give the gifts to. Perhaps they will appreciate them. Hell, I might even skip Christmas Dinner. Right now I would just as soon have a peanut butter sandwich.

Then this morning I looked around the house and realized that I am going to have to do some major cleaning of things. Max has chewed up Kleenex again so the vacuum has to be run, the office needs straightening. I need to clean the kitchen. Maybe when I get to the kitchen I will just work on that bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Maybe I put Christmas up too early and I am just tired of it. I miss my little table that got scorched in the fire. I want if fixed and the silver ladle back to normal. I think I started to feel this way when I had the fire.

The only thing that keeps me going right now is that I have promised to do some things and I have commitments. Perhaps I can get my Christmas spirit back by doing them. If not, not.
I was really tired last night and went to bed early but don't seem to have gotten the rest I needed.

One of the things I woke up during the night thinking about was how much Americans (including me) eat. I lost a lot of weight in the past year and right now I don't feel like dieting. I am trying to watch that I don't overeat but I don't think I am losing anything at this moment. I see so many really obese people and I feel sorry for them. They are courting diabetes and believe me it is not fun. (That may be part of my feeling down) However, it doesn't seem to do any good to tell people anything because they (we) just go on with our bad habits. I have two bags of chips in the house right now and if I were to open them I would eat them. So I am resisting temptation.

So maybe, I will get all of this crap out of my system if I put it on the blog. I usually get this way this time of year. I think I need more sunshine. The weather has been cloudy and it was dark and dreary this morning when the boys insisted that I get up. As I said in the beginning If you didn't want to you didn't have to read this. I think maybe I will go to a movie instead of cleaning the house. I don't have anything on my schedule today and I have something everyday until Friday. I need to go out to lunch. I need to have coffee with a friend. I can't even go to Acanthus Monday (not that I feel wanted there right now) and I don't know if there is anything going on. I didn't go down to the pancake breakfast yesterday because I didn't feel like being ignored and/or put down. I probably need a hug and a smile also. So if you feel like it send one my way. Hugs, j