Found For Friday - Elder Jokes

OKAY YOU GOLFERS -PAY ATTENTION!!!!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.
 

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man who was reading a book, And noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked the man, "Why do you wear your collar backwards?"

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied,

"My Daddy doesn't wear his  collar like that."

 The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said.

"I am the Father  of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

  The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, and then said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital Visiting

        Hours are 10 AM to 8  PM

Think before you  speak!!

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember these four great religious truths:


1.. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People .

2.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4.. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?"  "No," replied Johnny.  "How could he,
with just two worms."

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night?  That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" 

 A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Have a Great Week-end!