Found For Friday

  

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm 
leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"                                                                     

(Note: the first time I heard this joke it was a Baker showing how he made pies.  The woman watching him asked him "Don't you have a tool for that?"  He replied, "Yes but I use it to poke holes in the donuts.")

I bought a new Chevy Equinox

And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.


'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'


'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' Came from the speakers.


Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.


Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

And nearly creamed my new truck,

But I swerved in time to avoid him.


I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

Which one, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, or

Sarah Palin?
Dang, I love this truck...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

 Exercise makes a great new years resolution but the trouble with jogging is the ice falls out of your glass!

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up on thinking.

A LOVE STORY

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me

into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were

alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,

reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused

hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my

calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I

should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so

experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and

partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing

fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,

full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,

knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid

them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and

expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A

man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me

what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,

holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

Men who lack female supervision              

A virus walks into a bar. The barman looks up  and says "We don't serve your kind here."  The virus replaces him and says 'Now we do." - An infectious disease walks into a bar.  The barman looks up and says "We don't serve  your kind here." The infectious disease looks  disappointed and says "You're not a good host". - Two bacteria walk into a bar.  The barman looks up and says  "We don't serve your kind here."  The bacteria reply "But, we work here! We're staph!" - A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar.  The barman looks up and says "We don't serve your kind here."  The superconductor leaves without putting  up any resistance. - A neutrino walks into a bar.  The barman looks up and says  "We don't serve your kind here."  The neutrino replies "Hey, I was just passing through." - Schroedinger's Cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

Have a great week-end.  Happy New Year!